To my almost love

There’s a lot of things i wish i could tell you right now.

I’m sorry i pretended for so long that I didn’t have feelings for you. I think a part of me always knew that I did. Another part of me recognized that we would never be able to work.

Even if our paths aligned, I don’t think I’m the person I think I am, and I’m definitely not the person for you as much it pains me to admit. I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling anything other than attachment and obsession. I thought I knew what it felt like to experience heart break but the truth is I’ve never felt anything like this before.

Last time I know for sure I was mourning my routine.

A cycle I was used to experiencing everyday had been ripped away from me without any warning, and that was really hard for me to deal with. I thought i would never be able to recover mentally. This time, I felt my heart actually break at the thought of you never being in my life again. I miss you so much and I hate this feeling because a part of me feels like it’ll never go away.

You were the best person I have ever met in my entire life and I hate the way I treated you for the majority of our relationship. What hurts more is you knew how you felt about me from the moment we first met. And because it took me so long to get around to admitting—accepting how I felt, your feelings had already fizzled out.

I think by the end of things you realized I wasn’t the person you thought I was at first. You went from telling me you’d marry me and praying against what our destiny had written, so that we could be together forever, to telling me there’s nothing you can do to change our paths and that we cannot be together forever.

You kept lecturing me about how relationships are about compromise, yet when I was trying to meet you there you wouldn’t budge or didn’t even want to accept me even when I was willing to conform to your full wants and needs. What hurts the most is that at this moment in time you don’t feel the same about me. I’m not sure anymore if it’s my pride or my ego, but the thought of me finally letting my walls down, turning out to be for nothing… stings. It literally burns in my chest. The thought of you telling me you love me the last day we saw each other, to barely speaking to me right before Ramadan started, to either blocking me or deleting your social media accounts.

I feel so undone and exposed and I want to disappear and hide myself from the world forever. I never want to feel this exposed and ugly ever again. I’m sorry for how I behaved in the beginning but I’m mostly sorry for how it ended. I’m not sure if I would change anything if I could go back, but if I had the chance to go back I’d take it in a heart beat just so i can lay on your chest and hear yours one more time. I’m sorry, and I’ll probably love you forever.

-Sunshine